Renewal

So every year I look forward to the New Year because I always feel  it's a time to forget the year behind you, appreciate all that you gained, and a renewed hope to accomplish new goals.

This year has been a renewal for me. I've been fighting for work since there isn't much of it in this country right now....Normally, I am the type of person who does not conform to others and does things when it's convenient for me. Well last Thursday I became an adult. My boss had text me asking if I could work from 1p.m. - 5p.m. and consequently due to my night owl habits I did not wake up until 1 p.m. Normally I would have felt it was too late to go in. However, instead I text her immediately saying I just received her text and would she still need me...She did and I immediately prepared myself and went. After this experience I really understand how much I need to work and employers own me. However, once I am a teacher I will be glad to be owned.

Recently, some things have transpired that have made me feel down, which is easy to do. I feel like I'm tired of fighting and struggling when I work hard for everything I have. These events have renewed my energy and efforts to make the dream come true. I will only say this, I have my guns out now and those who wish to stand in my way or wish to destroy my dream better look out because I am not afraid to use them! Furthermore, I must give credit to my one true love, who's undying support inspires me to continue and fight harder. There are too many days I'd like to stay in bed and cover my head, but his inspiration causes me to fight harder...

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of our own philosophies and mottoes, which have made us stronger and better. I'd like to remind myself here how long and hard I have prayed for this dream to come true and in return I will work harder than I ever have in my life. May Quan Yin have mercy on me and Tara send her prosperity to my doorstep.

Satori~ A Moment of Clarity

I feel melancholic today. Most people won't be surprised by that because it seems that's how the see me most of the time. However, most of the time I keep my spirits up and I keep on going and working towards the dream.

The last thing I wanted to do today was put on a martial arts uniform. I was feeling under the weather, not to mention it was blazing hot and humid and the last thing I wanted to do was to put on a martial arts uniform, which would make me hotter. Still I did it and I endured it. Once I got past my own mind (the ultimate "nay-sayer" in my opinion) everything was grand. 

I guess I feel tired. I know there are other people who work much harder than I do, but still I'm tired. Three years straight I've gone to school with only one month's worth of rest a year. I love going to school, but right now I'm just tired. Then years and years of Japanese, and still I'm so far from fluent it feels like a dream to far to touch. Martial arts, I love it, but every week I fight harder and work harder to be better or least I try to be. Last but not least is all the leeches I've worked for who've tried to suck out my spirit and keep me in this cess pool that's been my home. Not anymore....

Just let me have a rest? Please mum five more minutes until I have to wake up? Soon the dream will begin.....

More Spiritual Happiness

So I will repeat myself and say my happiness lies in the dojo.....I always feel better after I have been able to focus myself there. Now I have two missions in addition my current one, which is to finish school. I really have to put more of my energy into my techniques, as I've realized that I tend to separate myself from them when I am doing them. My second focus is becoming better at Japanese. It is no longer just a desire or optional thing, in fact it's no longer optional at all. I absolutely must be able to communicate in Japanese before I begin to hate it and fail at living in the place I call home. だから、いっしょうけんめい。。。。Therefore I must try with all my might!

I also want to mention how happy I am I have my life back. I gave up so much for people over periods of time, even if it wasn't asked for. I'm glad I've rebuilt my life, even though some of it has seemed to have taken a bit of time. I'm glad I have really good friends around me now :) Most of my friends are overseas or out of state, but it's really nice to have a few good ones here too. I'm glad I could rebuild that for myself, as for a while I felt like my social skills deteriorated and perhaps I wasn't likable. I began to feel standoffish after I continually received rejections from people in regards to actually socializing with them. It seemed having a chat with them or seeing them in places I became acquainted with them at was OK, but outside of that there was no social interest. I think as the Dalai Lama said, embracing people with compassion and an awareness we are all connected to each other makes it less likely we will isolate ourselves from others. Perhaps that's what I've done without realizing it and not seeking validation through my contact with others. I know what my path and goals are and I don't need those people to validate any of it, however I can embrace them compassionately and be apart of it if that is what is meant to be.

Time to chill now...

Happiness in the Dojo

OMG I'm tired....no more like exhausted, yet I see no reason why I should be. So many things have been going through my mind as they tend to when I'm delirious. First I want to start with my thoughts about resuming Japanese lessons. This time Lily Sensei is being really strict with me, but I like it. It's forced me to use the language, whereas normally I don't "have to." However, I've received something special from this, and that is the realization that it's my language too and I should be speaking it on a regular basis. Having done that (to the best of my ability) I feel more in my element, and more like I am doing what is natural to me.

In addition, Amy chan and her friend Allison came to the dojo tonight for a trial class. I have to say first how happy I am to share with my friends, that which makes me so happy too. Their visit made it even more profound and clearer that the experience I get there is indeed special. I don't have the proper words, especially in this state to be sure, but I can say we do something really wonderful and special there, and that is why my happiness lies in the dojo.

I just haven't been thinking clearly lately, nor have I been very focused. Perhaps this is what love does to you, I suppose it's the case. Going back to juujutsu was just what I needed to help me regain my focus and concentration. I'm not quite sure how it has the ability to do that for me, but it does and I feel more sane than I have in 2 weeks now. Therefore, I shall endeavor to focus on the things, which need much of my attention over the next coming months. We shall see the results.

Returning to Life

I haven't been keeping up the last few weeks because everything got out of control before I left for Oz. Seemed like I barely got it all done just in time. Going overseas always changes everything, at least for me. I had a 10 hour layover at LAX and while wasting away the time there it occurred to me that I have never been more sure about moving overseas. Even though getting through the airports was rough this past time, it's my life and what I do. How I've missed traveling overseas these past two years. 

During this past trip I never felt more like myself, like the person I know I am, and who I always want to be when I'm here in the states. This trip went beyond my expectations in terms of relationships. It was a laid back trip, as we just took our time doing things and didn't rush to pack a bunch of things in the short time we had. I got to spend time with my friend Tobias and his family, who I met for the first time in 2 years. I really love his family and enjoy his lads. My relationship with Michi is beyond anything I could have ever expected. I never could have expected such happiness to exist.

However, I am already miserable being back here. I thought I would have loads to keep me busy, but I have already sorted everything thing out that was waiting for me. School has slowed down, and work is always like "whatever" just go and get it done, so there's not much else to do. Hopefully Japanese lessons will keep me busy and I will most likely bury my nose in a few books again to pass the time. In addition to escaping from the boredom which this place consists of, I should begin my preparations to leave here next year. At least tomorrow begins my juujutsu training again and more of my time will be absorbed.

Catching up

The last few weeks have been rough, as I've been trying to get through my classes. The work load has been quite heavy this time and I have loads of other stuff going on too.

I find myself immersed in many thoughts I can't always keep up with and that I haven't had time to write, although I wish I did. In relation to everything I've been discussing lately I think I've found my way through things a bit. As for the earthquake in Japan I've done what I can financially for now, and unfortunately my skills are not enough to contribute anything. I think at some point I will be able to contribute somehow. When I return from Australia I plan to do some art for the Japan Art Drive.  http://www.artdrivejapan.com/ However, after much reflection and meditating on this I've come to realize it's more about people than just trying to do something. I've heard this before too.....but I mean it's about people even in a simple way, such as the friends I've made through a support group and the daily communication I have with them and my ability to spread Japanese culture and news to my own friends as well. So for right now that is what I can do.

In relation to my other discussions, I continue to experience my happiness lies in the dojo. The Dalai Lama noted how a disciplined mind results in a person being happy and more likely to live a moral life. I find this interesting as this is what we're taught in the dojo too. I'm very happy when I'm training, although in reality I am learning how to beat a guy up! In addition I've come to realize that I'm not only interested in being happy, but also understanding what it truly is, i.e. how one's perspective and awareness contributes to being happy, in essence of the mechanics.

I don't have much more to say at the moment, as these are just a few of the thoughts I can recall I wanted to set down. I can only say I believe I have found truth, honesty, and a genuine life and I can be happy for that alone.

Sakura ~ 桜~

Tonight I was driving in my car all happy singing Japanese Pop songs....yes Japanese Pop. It hadn't even occurred to me until I parked the car that everything I had listened to was in Japanese and it all sounded so completely normal to me, even though there are still some words I don't know. I'm always happy singing in Japanese, but upon realizing what I had been unconsciously doing, what felt so normal to me, I felt even happier knowing that even through something like pop-culture I am bridging a gap between cultures. It made me recall a friend Yoshi-san because he posted one of my favorite songs today. My thoughts then wandered onto how I can only use simple Japanese with him, but even the smallest things I am able to communicate with him still make a big difference and is bridging the gap.

Even after six years I find it amazing how deeply Japanese culture has permeated my heart. So much that it has stolen my heart and I must return there to reclaim it if that's even possible.