More Spiritual Happiness

So I will repeat myself and say my happiness lies in the dojo.....I always feel better after I have been able to focus myself there. Now I have two missions in addition my current one, which is to finish school. I really have to put more of my energy into my techniques, as I've realized that I tend to separate myself from them when I am doing them. My second focus is becoming better at Japanese. It is no longer just a desire or optional thing, in fact it's no longer optional at all. I absolutely must be able to communicate in Japanese before I begin to hate it and fail at living in the place I call home. だから、いっしょうけんめい。。。。Therefore I must try with all my might!

I also want to mention how happy I am I have my life back. I gave up so much for people over periods of time, even if it wasn't asked for. I'm glad I've rebuilt my life, even though some of it has seemed to have taken a bit of time. I'm glad I have really good friends around me now :) Most of my friends are overseas or out of state, but it's really nice to have a few good ones here too. I'm glad I could rebuild that for myself, as for a while I felt like my social skills deteriorated and perhaps I wasn't likable. I began to feel standoffish after I continually received rejections from people in regards to actually socializing with them. It seemed having a chat with them or seeing them in places I became acquainted with them at was OK, but outside of that there was no social interest. I think as the Dalai Lama said, embracing people with compassion and an awareness we are all connected to each other makes it less likely we will isolate ourselves from others. Perhaps that's what I've done without realizing it and not seeking validation through my contact with others. I know what my path and goals are and I don't need those people to validate any of it, however I can embrace them compassionately and be apart of it if that is what is meant to be.

Time to chill now...

Happiness in the Dojo

OMG I'm tired....no more like exhausted, yet I see no reason why I should be. So many things have been going through my mind as they tend to when I'm delirious. First I want to start with my thoughts about resuming Japanese lessons. This time Lily Sensei is being really strict with me, but I like it. It's forced me to use the language, whereas normally I don't "have to." However, I've received something special from this, and that is the realization that it's my language too and I should be speaking it on a regular basis. Having done that (to the best of my ability) I feel more in my element, and more like I am doing what is natural to me.

In addition, Amy chan and her friend Allison came to the dojo tonight for a trial class. I have to say first how happy I am to share with my friends, that which makes me so happy too. Their visit made it even more profound and clearer that the experience I get there is indeed special. I don't have the proper words, especially in this state to be sure, but I can say we do something really wonderful and special there, and that is why my happiness lies in the dojo.

I just haven't been thinking clearly lately, nor have I been very focused. Perhaps this is what love does to you, I suppose it's the case. Going back to juujutsu was just what I needed to help me regain my focus and concentration. I'm not quite sure how it has the ability to do that for me, but it does and I feel more sane than I have in 2 weeks now. Therefore, I shall endeavor to focus on the things, which need much of my attention over the next coming months. We shall see the results.

Returning to Life

I haven't been keeping up the last few weeks because everything got out of control before I left for Oz. Seemed like I barely got it all done just in time. Going overseas always changes everything, at least for me. I had a 10 hour layover at LAX and while wasting away the time there it occurred to me that I have never been more sure about moving overseas. Even though getting through the airports was rough this past time, it's my life and what I do. How I've missed traveling overseas these past two years. 

During this past trip I never felt more like myself, like the person I know I am, and who I always want to be when I'm here in the states. This trip went beyond my expectations in terms of relationships. It was a laid back trip, as we just took our time doing things and didn't rush to pack a bunch of things in the short time we had. I got to spend time with my friend Tobias and his family, who I met for the first time in 2 years. I really love his family and enjoy his lads. My relationship with Michi is beyond anything I could have ever expected. I never could have expected such happiness to exist.

However, I am already miserable being back here. I thought I would have loads to keep me busy, but I have already sorted everything thing out that was waiting for me. School has slowed down, and work is always like "whatever" just go and get it done, so there's not much else to do. Hopefully Japanese lessons will keep me busy and I will most likely bury my nose in a few books again to pass the time. In addition to escaping from the boredom which this place consists of, I should begin my preparations to leave here next year. At least tomorrow begins my juujutsu training again and more of my time will be absorbed.